


you don't have to say i love you to say i love you

by wintersend



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Jealousy, This Is Incredibly Silly, but not how you're thinking, cassian is jealous of himself and he doesn't even know it, he's also overthinking, inspired by that one picture of that text message, rated M only for the blowjob mentions, references to blowjobs but no actual blowjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-25 02:47:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14967461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersend/pseuds/wintersend
Summary: “Ugh, I just want to give him things.” She pauses, and he can hear, if not see, the wicked smile on her face. “Like blowjobs and self-esteem.”Cassian doesn’t mean to eavesdrop, really, but in his defense, it’shisapartment.OR, Cassian comes home from work early and learns some interesting new information.





	you don't have to say i love you to say i love you

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by that picture of a text message that says _"I want to give him things, like blowjobs and self-esteem,"_ you can see it [here.](http://captainandors.tumblr.com/post/174698277655) I rated this M because of the blowjob mentions but it really isn't explicit.
> 
> This is honestly pretty silly, I don't know what came over me.

Cassian doesn’t mean to eavesdrop, really, but in his defense, it’s _his_ apartment.

He’s not surprised to find Jyn in the kitchen when he returns from work. She’s had a key for years and she has a habit of dropping by unannounced, even when he’s not home. Usually, she shows up when Leia has Han over at their apartment, or when she’s upset or annoyed, and either wants to vent, or fume in peace, unbothered by anyone. Sometimes, she will come over just to tell him about her day or watch a movie with him or just because she feels like it, and they’re his favorite occasions. But he never minds her presence and he’s more than happy to provide a safe place for her when she needs it; it’s exactly why he gave her a key.

She also has a spare toothbrush in his bathroom, and a drawer of her own in his bedroom. He has a key for her apartment, as well. It’s almost like they’re dating, and if he wasn’t trying so hard to banish that thought, he would have suggested they move in together years ago. The problem is, he’s not sure he could handle living with her full-time. As close as they are, it’s always been platonic.

Which is more than okay, Cassian tells himself, content to be her friend. He’s lucky she’s a part of his life at all. Being friends is enough. (He really tries to believe that.)

But he can’t help the longing every time he looks at her, the quickening of his heart every time she smiles at him, or the bitter jealousy every time she shows interest in someone else.

This time is no exception.

It’s anyone’s guess why she’s here today, but her posture is relaxed and quiet music streams from her laptop, so it could be a just-because visit. She sits at the table, her back to him and eyes trained on the screen, so she doesn’t notice him. Her phone is by her side and Shara’s voice comes through on speaker, but he doesn’t register their conversation at first because Jyn is laughing and he’s never heard anything more beautiful.

He can’t see her face but he can tell she’s in a good mood from the lightness of her voice, and it makes him smile. He really has it bad for her, he thinks idly, and the words of Bodhi and Leia and even his sister echo in his ear. _Tell_ _her how you feel,_ they say, all phrased differently but with the same message, because everyone knows he’s loved Jyn for years.

It seems the only person who doesn’t know is Jyn herself, and that gives him pause more than anything else. If he’s so obvious even the barista at their local coffee shop noticed, (and gave him subtle winks every time they walked in together, which Cassian studiously tried to ignore) yet Jyn hasn’t… he can’t help wondering if it’s because she doesn’t _want_ to notice.

Not the right time to agonize over this, Cassian tells himself firmly. He opens his mouth to greet her and ask if she has any special wishes for dinner, when Jyn lets out a groan of frustration and says to Shara:

“Ugh, I just want to give him things.” She pauses, and he can hear, if not see, the wicked smile on her face. “Like blowjobs and self-esteem.”

Cassian’s stomach drops, and when Shara laughs, it feels like the gods mocking him for waiting too long and missing his chance. He didn’t know she was interested in someone. She hasn’t had a serious relationship in as long as he’s known her and he never heard her talking about anyone in a way that suggested a more than passing interest. Certainly not like that, blowjobs and self-esteem and all.

But Jyn is an intelligent, passionate, beautiful woman, and as far as he’s concerned, she could have anyone she wanted. He was a fool to think no one would ever catch her attention.

When did it happen? The jealousy he feels for this mystery man mixes with hurt that she hasn’t told him. As much as he doesn’t want to hear about… _that_ , he always thought they shared everything with each other. _Almost_ everything, because obviously, he didn’t tell her he’s in love with her, but well, that’s different. Does Jyn think this is different too? Does she think it would be weird to discuss it with him because she knows about his feelings for her?

Who’s this guy, anyway, and how did she meet him? More importantly, why does Shara know about it before he does? He knows just about every person in Jyn’s life and he can’t imagine her talking about any of them in such a manner, so it has to be someone new. Perhaps she met him through Shara. She has a lot of cousins, after all, and she’s joked about setting Jyn up with one of them before. But Jyn always turned the idea down. Did she change her mind?

He desperately wants to know, and simultaneously never wants to hear about it again.

“You sure know the way to a guy’s heart,” Shara says, voice amused. “But somehow, I don’t think dropping to your knees in front of him is the right approach here.”

He shouldn't be listening to this. He doesn’t want to be listening to this. He should go, take a walk, come back later when he’s cleared his head…

But more than anything, he wants to talk to her. He wants to know who got her wrapped around their fingers like that, and he wants to make sure they’re worthy of her. He wants her to be able to talk to him about it. She’s his best friend, first and foremost, and he’s not about to start putting his feelings before their friendship now. He wants her to know she can tell him anything.

As he hesitates, one second away from either turning around and leaving, or clearing his throat to make his presence known, Jyn snorts and replies, “No, definitely not. Cassian is too noble for that. He’s probably one of those people who doesn’t have sex until the third date.”

For some embarrassingly long seconds, his mind doesn’t make the connection. He doesn’t understand why his name is brought up in the conversation. What does any of this have to do with him and his dating habits; it makes no sense. But his body knows before his brain does, and his heart starts hammering, his cheeks growing hot. He thinks he may release a weak choked noise once his brain catches up.

She was talking about _him_. The whole time he was standing here, jealous and hurt, obsessing over who her mystery guy was, she was talking about him. How long – how long did she feel the same way? How long did he hope and fantasize and want, unaware that his feelings were returned? How long could they have been together if either of them were brave enough to admit their feelings? Dear god, was he really jealous of himself earlier?

Cassian is so lost in his head for a few seconds that he misses Shara’s response, but Jyn is laughing again and he starts to feel weird and restless just standing there. Interrupting her right now might be embarrassing for Jyn but –

He has to do something. He can’t just walk away now.

A little bit self-conscious, and a little bit guilty for eavesdropping, he clears his throat and knocks on the doorframe to the kitchen where he’s been standing. As Jyn wheels around, eyes going wide, he takes a step forward and gives her a tentative smile in greeting.

“Hey.”

“Oh my god, Cass.” She freezes with her mouth open a bit, a comical sight if he wasn’t so jittery. But she snaps back to life almost as fast, quickly grabbing her phone to tell her friend, “Shara, I have to go, Cassian's here,” before hanging up.

He can hear Shara shrieking “What?!” on the other end, then the line disconnects.

The uncomfortable silence that follows makes Cassian question if he made the right call. Jyn regards him anxiously, her big green eyes panicked in a way he rarely sees. Cassian can’t look at her, uncomfortable with the idea that he’s the reason for her nerves, so he turns away to stare at his feet. He doesn’t know what to say, how to address it, if he should even address it, and it’s awkward. They’re never awkward around each other. This is not at all what he wanted.

Slowly, Jyn stands up, and he notes with slight amusement that she’s actually wringing her hands as she moves closer. “I wanted to order take-out before you get home but I thought you’d only be back around seven – ”

“I was let off earlier – ”

Then, apparently, she decides she can’t keep up the pretense any longer because she interrupts his explanation to ask, “How much of that did you hear?”

Cassian considers several responses, even lying, just so she wouldn’t look at him like that anymore. He shrugs. “Enough.”

“Oh, no,” she mutters under her breath, her hands squeezing each other in a way that looks on the brink of painful.

“I'm sorry,” they say at the same time, and then he says, “I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I just –” and she says, “I shouldn’t have said those things about you.”

He shakes his head, unsure how to tell her that he didn’t mind her saying those things about him. She can say any kinds of things about him if she wants to; in fact, he hopes she wants to. But she looks so flustered and mortified that he almost wants to let it drop and never talk about it again. Forget it like all those small moments they shared over the years that he later convinced himself meant nothing to her. (Oh god, he didn’t imagine them at all, did he? They probably _were_ moments, real and meaningful to her as well, and he misinterpreted them all. It was never just him.)

Another question occurs to him. To distract her, and perhaps regain some semblance of normality, he decides to ask it.

“What's wrong with my self-esteem?” he says, sounding genuinely confused.

She pauses, surprised at the change of topic, but she quickly decides to go with it. She snorts, looking a little more relaxed.

“You sell yourself short, Cassian, you always have,” she says like it’s obvious. “You deserve good things, too.” 

He stares into space, mulling that over for a second – admittedly, she has a point. “I suppose I can be a little hard on myself, huh?”

“Yeah, a little,” she drawls, the tone of her voice making it clear what she thinks of the word ‘little.’

She looks a lot more comfortable now, and Cassian relishes in successfully easing her nerves, even if it means they’ll never talk about this again. But the air between them still feels a bit awkward and strained, and it’s worse the longer they both stay silent. Jyn shifts on her feet and squints at him, thoughtful. He can see the wheels turning in her head as she contemplates something, trying to come to a decision. Then she straightens, her mind made up – but he’s not prepared for what comes out of her mouth next.

“Nice of you to focus on that and not on the fact that I want to blow you.”

Cassian chokes on mere air. Oh, so they are doing this. His heartbeat picks up again, his ears burning, and he coughs to buy some time before answering.

“So you're owning it, huh?”

She shrugs, a little timid, a little resigned. “Might as well.” She lets out a weary sigh, all bravado gone when she goes on. “I really am sorry. I didn't want you to find out like this. Or at all.”

“Why not?” he asks, hoping that the answer will be anything but rejection. He doesn’t think he can take it if Jyn was only sexually attracted to him, or if she was not interested in pursuing a relationship despite her feelings. He couldn’t bear to have hope only to be ripped away for good.

“Because...” she shrugs again. “I didn’t want to put you in an uncomfortable position.”

“You didn’t,” he assures her but he can tell she doesn’t believe it. He lets an uncharacteristic playful smirk curl on his lips and decides to take a chance, for once. She just said she wants to blow him; he can hit on her, too, for god’s sake. “Really, you didn’t. But Jyn? Take me out on a date first. Or maybe three. I'm not that easy.”

He can feel Jyn gaping after him as he turns to grab two beers from the fridge, and from the corner of his eyes, he can see her lips slowly curl up in a smile. He hears her mutter under her breath, “I'm so going to blow you on our first date.”

He turns back, raising his eyebrows at her while offering one of the beers. “Pardon?”

“Nothing,” she says, looking both devious and innocent, and Cassian shakes his head at her fondly. The appraising look she gives him over her drink sets his blood boiling, and he begins thinking that if they do order some takeout and watch a movie, this could be considered a date.

Luckily, Jyn agrees, and he later finds out that she always makes good on her word.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://captainandors.tumblr.com/)


End file.
